Keep Holding On
by Antonia-x
Summary: Why does no one know anything about Grace Dasari? Why is everything bottled up? T 'cause me and the rating haven't got a great understanding and it's a bit of a harsh tale.


**So it turns out, I quite like this new The Bill format..**

**And I'm just back to writing completely now - I have stories to finish, but plans for new ones too.**

**My new love for Grace is fairly apparent, founded after watching Twist of Fate - I sobbed so much for her. Thoughts in italics, song lyrics in italics in the centre of the page.**

**Either, just a one-shot, or goes down the Grace/Neil way, or shows the development of Grace and Jo's friendship?**

**Oh.. Set after the episode Twist of Fate.**

**Enjoy. X.**

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She drove back to Sunhill, the file of Lisa Merrill remain closed on the passenger seat of her car, tears still stung her eyes, red and puffy from the tears she had already shed, the regret and guilt she felt visible to everyone. Stepping out her car, which she then locked, before walking back into the station. As she did so she walked past Nate, noticing Grace's tear stained cheeks, he stopped placing a hand on her arm. "Grace?" he questioned quietly regaining an even quieter reply "I'm alright." Her voice and her tears betrayed her, as a few tears escaped down her cheeks. He nodded. Walking away, as he did he turned to see her angrily wipe away the tears which has betrayed her.

_So far away, I wish you were here_

She continued her walk to the C.I.D, determined to not let her tears fall. The tears for Lisa, tears for Kathy, tears for their father and tears for her, for a secret she kept hidden. When she reached C.I.D, Jo was in the D.I's office, they both looked at her when she pushed open the door. She angrily shook off her coat as Mickey and Terry left the office leaving her alone. As she sat at her desk, tears fell freely from her eyes, she made no attempt to halt them.

Slowly Jo opened the door of the office, watching her carefully, noiselessly motioned to Neil to join her. Watching as the tear became more rapid, slowly, then suddenly causing her body to shake from the sheer force of emotion. Jo stopped Neil moving. Ushering him back to the office, in silence, carefully pulling the door closed. Before quickening her pace, appearing behind Grace, taking both her hands - to prevent her fighting free, pulling her to her, not saying anything. Just allowing her to sob, peacefully, rid herself from almost twenty-one years worth of emotion.

_Before it's too late, this could all disappear_

As the tears subsided, Jo released Grace's hands, before looking at her, walking towards the water cooler, returning she handed Grace the cup. She sat down on Max's desk opposite Grace, looking at her, she spoke softly at first. "Grace?" Her colleague looked up, allowing Jo to continue: "what happened there? You could have no nothing else for that girl Grace, you done everything you could. Everything." As Grace stood up, walking towards the white board on the wall, pacing slowly. She sat on Stevie's desk, looking back at Jo, before starting to speak.

"Jo, I didn't help her, I could've, I really could have. I didn't do my job. I failed her, failed at my job!" Jo raced towards her friend, grabbing her hands, before she threw the files on the desk to the floor. Grace fell towards Jo defeated, shaking as sobs wracked her body. Jo grip around her friend tightened.

Neil stood watching from his office. He wanted to help. Wanted to prove to Grace he did care. _Of course he cared about her, she was a completely dependable member of his team, for over two years. He had grown to care, no, he had grown to love Grace. To love her strong, feisty nature. She was good at her job, today had been no exception. He had told, him, he had told her that she hadn't done enough. He shouldn't have told her that, it wasn't fair, she could not have done any more. _He looked at her again. Those tears they were his fault. Him telling her she'd failed, hadn't done enough.

Jo loosened her grip around Grace when her tears quietened, but they did not cease. She looked at her, pleadingly, begging her to tell what had caused these tears. She knew this was more than Lisa Merrill. These tears, they were years of extreme hidden emotion, she knew that.

_Before the doors close, and it comes to an end_

She looked at her, meeting her eyes. Grace wiped her eyes beginning to speak again. Slowly, she glanced at Jo. _She'd never told anyone of this before, she'd left home for Uni before this. No one knew about her deepest, most painful secret. This was what had caused her twenty years of extreme pain. Greif. Guilt. Love never to be returned. _"Lisa, Jo, she was twenty-one." Jo nodded her agreement, not fully understand but allowing Grace to continue, which she did. "She, could have been anyone's child, she could have been _**my**_ child, _**mine**_, _**my**_ baby. She could have been my daughter. My little girl. I know how her father feels, I know that pain. And it is horrible. No one should suffer it. I know how to feels to bury your child, to want answers about why they died. I know the pain of losing your baby." When she stopped talking, tears fell down her cheeks, she didn't do anything to stop them.

Jo remained silent, waiting to see if Grace would continue, aware that Neil had heard every word of Grace's pain. Grace, who he loved. They now knew the reasons for the way Grace Dasari is. Grace Dasari, was troubled, not by her job, like most police officers, troubled by her lost child, although the circumstances were still unclear, this had haunted her for twenty-one years.

Grace took a few deep breaths, steadying her voice, she began to speak. "She was my daughter, my little Zara. I had her all on my own, I buried her all on my own. No one ever knew about her. I was twenty and I was away from home, so I went away in the Summer. I told her father I was going home. I told my family I was staying with him. Really I went forty miles away, and I had a little girl. She was tiny, she was perfect, and that was the first time I ever wanted her. We were happy for five days, like a new mother bringing up her newborn, and then on the sixth day I was went to be getting out of the hospital. I woke up and she was so still, so silent. She was dead. She just didn't make it. She had a whole in her heart. Three days later I buried her, at this tiny little Church. Just me. Then I went back to Oxford back to Uni, and I never spoke of her again. I burned the tiny little white dresses, little mitts and booties. I buried her in her little hat - it was white, and along the front it had little stitched flowers in pink and silver. And I hated it, but it was the first one I saw. I was going to give her up, I didn't think I'd need to care about what she wore after she was a few days old."

Jo looked at her friend, realising no words would ease her pain. She simply took her hand at hugged her close. Finally understanding, that this distress all day was down to the pain of losing her own daughter, a daughter that if given up, could have been Lisa Merrill. Grace, she felt the guilt of not being able to protect Zara, similar to guilt that she never protected Lisa.

She spoke quietly, "Home Grace, let's get you home." Grace simply nodded, accepted her coat and bag from Jo, and allowed herself to led from the office. Before reaching the door she turned muttering "Thank you" to Jo. Who smiled, a sad, sympathetic, watery smile in reply.

_With you by my side, I will fight and defend_

Neil wiped a lone tear from his face, feeling the pain of the woman he loved so dearly. Wishing he could stop her feeling like this. He knew he never could.

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**I've toyed with the idea of writing more to this for long enough, but I can't get it right. **

**So I'm leaving it here, for now at lease anyway. **

**Thanks for reading Anny. x. **


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